Wednesday 7 May 2008

Up to his elbows in it

Rising food prices, rocketing energy bills, endless tax hikes, static incomes - there must be an easier way?
Well of course there is, and Drew Rozell's the guy to show you how.
Just buy the book, sit back, and squadrons of smiling piggies will bring you piles of money. That's squadrons of
flying piggies, can you see them? Aw cute!
Drew would like you to know that he's
'smart enough to earn a Ph.D. in psychology from Syracuse University', but was struggling financially until he became conscious of money and invented a complex money management system involving 'multiple online bank accounts and the power of the internet'. How original is that!! A hideously complex web of virtual money without all the trouble of becoming a drug dealer. Everyone at Croc Towers is impressed.
And there's more. Just $29.95 brings you more than the book - there's a whole package of extras including "A Happy Pocket Full of Money" by David Cameron. Few people have happier pockets than David Cameron, leader of the Tory party- and he explains how to attract money using quantum physics, so it just has to be the same guy. I'm reaching for my credit card, which of course I don't need - but just this once Drew, is that OK?
Hey ho. In case you've missed all those subliminal messages (surely he's doing it on purpose?) the piles of money belong to Drew.
A man who signs his name with a little face.

Credit Crunch

"Credit crunch claims first Scots jobs", says this morning's Scotsman. "Last night there were fears that the moves were the start of a series of cuts that could lead to as many as 5,000 financial services jobs being lost in Scotland."
So what's actually happened? Well, HBOS is cutting 92 jobs from three corporate banking teams. Some of the personnel will be redeployed, and of the rest, half are based in London. We're told that HBOS has 1,000 people beavering away in its corporate division, so 92 is fewer than 10%. Meanwhile Aberdeen Asset Managers is cutting costs by £15 million, claiming the cuts will mostly come from natural wastage and are a "natural part of the cycle".
Apart from all that 'natural' stuff, which makes the Croc feel a bit queasy - this is finance not yoghurt after all- that's not an unreasonable explanation. Especially when it only takes a couple more clicks on the virtual Scotsman to discover that £15m is about a third of AAM's pre-tax profits for the last six months and they've just bought Goodman Property Investors for £130m.
Which brings us neatly back to the HBOS jobs, some of which happen to be in acquisition finance. Global finance is a complex subject to say the least, but it is hard to see how a crisis in inter-bank lending and general liquidity can be blamed quite so directly for specific and limited job losses in another part of the forest. AAM paid cash for Goodman, which it got by issuing shares. And there are plenty of other ways companies buy other companies, few of which involve the use of a credit card. Yes, the economy is teetering on the brink of economic downturn: but recession means two successive quarters of negative growth and we're nowhere near that yet. Yes, house prices are slipping, but everyone and his dog knew they were stupid and unsustainable (apart from people with stupid and unsustainable BTL portfolios, whose dogs think online poker is a good career option). Sure, it's harder to pick up a cheap mortgage, but does that mean the whole of corporate Britain is going to curl up in the fetal position with its fingers in its ears, singing na, na, na? Apparently not.
"Last night there were fears" is one of those lazy journalistic devices that neatly sidestep the issue of who said what. Quite often the person experiencing the specific terror is a man in a pub, a journalist's mum, or, in the last resort, a drunk at a bus stop. All of whom have good reason to worry. But in this case, the Cassandra is named as Douglas Adams, 'an economist at the Ernst & Young Scottish Item Club'.
Now I'm not saying that the credit crunch will have zero impact on Scottish jobs in general and the financial services sector in particular. And I'm not one to trivialise the impact of anyone losing a job. But normally such trimming of staff would hardly raise a ripple, and to flag it up as the first trumpets of impending doom is surely a bit of a stretch.
But this Adams bloke made the link himself didn't he? Well no. Dougie (as he apparently prefers to be known) does seem to have said that 5,000 financial sector jobs might go, but the Croc can't find the actual report on the Item site and is too lazy to phone their press office. He also seems to have tempered his comments with a lot of on-the-one-hand-and-on-the-other type stuff. And the Item forecast for Scotland in 2008 considers evidence that that the downturn in financial services actually predated the credit crunch.
Who then made the terrifying connection between slightly shorter queues at Starbucks and sectoral meltdown?
My money's on the drunk at the bus stop. I've heard he used to be a journalist.

Thursday 17 April 2008

Playing sardines

There's nothing women like more in a man than warmth, intelligence and humour. So when wannabe novelist Tony Parsons told the Portuguese Ambassador to keep his 'sardine-munching mouth shut' his walk back from the pub must have looked like the chase scenes from A Hard Day's Night.
But despite his obvious charms, no fewer than 485 people grassed Parsons up to the Press Complaints Commission.
I think we can be fairly certain that Kate McCann wasn't one of them. Yet how blooming she looked on her recent tour of the Low Countries, and how tasty the talented Mr Parsons looks in photographic reproduction (in his case the only sort the Croc can bear to think about). Has Tony discovered the health benefits of little oily fish? Is the true reason Kate refuses to return to Portugal a deficit in the barbeque arrangements?
Is this new wonder diet their guilty secret?

cheap at half the rice

Rice is in the news this week. Mindful of its mission to educate and inform, the BBC held a Rice Day to tell us how poor people are coping with huge jumps in the price of their staple foodstuff.
There are even helpful FAQs to explain why "prices are increasing sharply for some of the most basic foodstuffs traded on international commodity markets". Who or what is to blame? Everything from historically low prices to global warming and ethanol production. Oh and the greedy Chinese, who are not only persecuting the Tibetans, but have the effrontery to sell us container loads of plastic toys and buy cheeseburgers with the proceeds. But surely that means they're eating less rice, not more? Why are there riots in Haiti and not outside MacDonalds in Milton Keynes? Well the Chinese dinners thing is a red herring. The real problem is that they're keeping domestic rice prices down by cutting their exports. Other Asian countries are doing the same.
And there, surely, is the real story.
It's there in those three words - international commodity markets. Demand for rice is outstripping supply. Some farmers are hoarding it. Shoppers are buying a bit extra to keep in the back of the cupboard. Market forces dictate that prices will rise. But the market which really matters isn't in anyone's village or High Street, it's the global market, where commodity prices are determined not only by how much is produced and consumed, but by tariffs, protectionism - and speculation.
Speculation, as Money Week unblushingly reminds us, can make you lots and lots of money. But if profiteering while the poor starve makes you feel a bit sick, don't worry. They'll also tell you 'how to make a fortune from the Chinese water crisis'.
I hope I haven't put you off your dinner.

Tuesday 15 April 2008

I learned something today

Oh all right then. Here is a 'fun' croc shooting game, for people who like 'fun' croc shooting games.
By the way the croc-murderer in the basket isn't a donkey, it's a water buffalo, as if you care.
I googled 'carabao' but I could have saved a couple of calories by saying it out loud instead.
Did you know that crocodiles kill their prey by getting in a line and pushing rocks over a cliff? Neither did I. But then until a couple of years ago I didn't know that it was OK to drive tanks into other people's countries, bomb the sh*t out of them, and fill the papers with a load of scary crap to justify it all. Stap me, I had this crazy idea that millions of people fought a world war over that one, within living memory too.
Now of course I know better. We have so much to be grateful for.

easily distracted

Blogger asked me to give a location. 'United States Outlying Islands' caught my eye, but 'Vatican' truly was tempting. Who blogs from the Vatican? Correct. Allegedly.
This was of course a distraction - and distractions seems to me a good thing to have on a blog, especially since the blog is a distraction in the first place.
So the first of my favourite distractions is...Pope Pez.

reptile of the week

the blog is not about shooting actual crocodiles. it takes its title from management-speak: in order to get through your problems you need to shoot the crocodile nearest the boat.
that's not true of course. sometimes you need to shoot the crocodiles in the queue, because you know you won't get time to reload.